Are you, for example, working abroad with a multinational corporation? Well, chances are that you’re the coworker everybody dislikes. You are the bloody German who’s finished all of the tasks in no time at all and leaves your boss in a desperate state while trying to find new work for you. Well, the first thing you’ll have to learn is German for NO.
Seriously, you’ve really tried to work less efficiently, more slowly, and deliver less-quality work…but you’ve got that typical German efficiency; it’s something you just can’t help; it’s in the genes you were born with. But there’s more to being a typical German. Let’s take a look at some “typical” German traits.
You know you’re German when…
- Your CV is not just a summary of your work experience but rather a book depicting everything about your personal life, including details about your children, your political interests, the names and professions of your parents, and everything else you have done in your life.
- Tzping on non-German kezboards is verz difficult.
- Someone invites you for their birthday at 20:00, and you’ll be sure to show up at 19:45.
- You hinder your foreign friends from trying to learn German by speaking fluent English with them continuously.
- You are silent in an elevator. In Germany, there seems to be some unwritten rule that you don’t look at strangers in an elevator and that you don’t speak to them. Even with friends or relatives in an elevator, there’s usually some awkwardly strange silence that nobody breaks.
- You reuse plastic shopping bags as trash bags.
- You are scared to death when people wish you a happy birthday in advance.
- Probably, you’ve never paid a thing for seeing a doctor before. In Germany, the healthcare system is amazing, covering practically everything except our breast implants (but even then, when you prove that these are fundamental for your mental health, they will be free).
- Your national football team players have names like Özil, Khedira, Podolski, Gómez, Boateng and Gündoğan.
- You swore never to eat Tapas again after Spain defeated Germany in the World Cup.
- You prefer your Wiener Schnitzel over typical American food such as Pork Loin Roast or Roast Turkey.
- You yell at your neighbors for not putting their garbage into the appropriate bins.
- You complain about having “only” six weeks of vacation per year.
- You don’t step on lawns. Never! Even when you’re in a park without a sign telling you not to step on the lawn, you’ll never step on lawns. You’ll already feel criminal for getting near the park’s grass!
- You hang pairs of socks next to each other on your laundry rack because wenn schon, denn schon!
- German people tell you to go “rechts, rechts, immer geradeaus”.
- You say “Gesundheit” even to complete strangers across the street.
- You greet everyone in a doctor’s waiting room with a cheerful “Guten Tag!”.
- You are still pissed about going to university during the few years that Germany charged tuition to do so. University access in Germany was free until a few federal states introduced a €500 tuition fee per semester. After severe public outcry, however, this was abolished.
- One of your German friends is still in university, and I don’t mean he’s teaching or working towards his Ph.D. He just needed some time to discover his proper direction in life. He studied archaeology, philosophy, sinology, and business studies to finally end up with 9th-century Uzbekistan art history.
- You apologize to your visitors for your extremely messy house after having spent five hours thoroughly cleaning it.
- You prepare Nudelsalat for every possible occasion, though you tried so hard to pick up some American cultural habits.
- “Weil einfach einfach einfach ist” doesn’t sound confusing to you at all.
- You don’t talk behind people’s backs. You just tell them straight to their faces that you don’t like them. There are many German influences in America, but this is definitely different here in the States.
- National pride gives you an uncomfortable feeling. In a certain way, Germans are somewhat traumatized by their history. There’s only one time that you don’t have a problem placing the German flag anywhere: The Soccer World Cup.
- You have to explain to your friends from outside Germany that Sunday shopping is not an option.
- It’s your birthday, and YOU are the one buying drinks.
Auf Wiedersehen!
Or, as some say: Auf Wienerschnitzel!